Poolside Personality: What Your Swim Shorts Really Say About You
You’re lying by the pool, engorged with fresh seafood and Aperol. Perhaps you’re reading a book, or covertly surveying the resort’s clientele through your shades. Either way, you’re calm and quiet. But is it possible that you might be saying more than you think?
Clothes can speak volumes. And yes, you’re only wearing one garment – your best pair of swim shorts – but sometimes that’s all it takes. The ones you’ve chosen can give away a surprising amount, from how you might dress when you’re, you know, actually wearing clothes, to the sorts of places you hang out when you’re out-of-office is switched off.
So, what are your swim shorts saying to the rest of the beach? Let’s delve into nine of the key types of poolside attire and find out.
Tailored Swim Shorts
You work in finance, own a Submariner and probably had your chest waxed for this holiday. You’re no stranger to a suit, and this tailored approach to dressing has bled over into your vacation wardrobe, too.
Orlebar Brown is your brand of choice, and wearing its all-over print shorts is the only time you allow a bit of colour to enter your outfits. Other than on regatta day when the red socks come out.
Budgie Smugglers
You are a French dad or a ‘roided-up plasterer from Sunderland. There is no in between. If you think you look good in these, we have some bad news for you.
Please do the rest of the beach a favour and invest in something that extends a little further down the thigh.
Cargo Swim Shorts
A practical man with a penchant for functional details. You probably know your way around a Gore-Tex jacket, own at least one pair of Salomons and favour a bucket hat over a baseball cap.
Brands of choice are Nike, C.P. Company or anything slightly obscure, outdoorsy and Japanese, and your holiday tipple of choice is more likely to be a Guinness than a piña colada.
Board Shorts
You spent a gap year practising fire poi on a beach in Thailand and have had questionable dreadlocks at least once in your life.
You’re rarely found in any footwear other than flip flops, and you’ve been wearing the same Chang Beer vest for the past week.
Printed Swim Shorts
You know how to vacation, and you want the rest of the resort to be aware of that, too.
It’s the brighter the better as far as you’re concerned, which is why you favour bold geometric prints from the likes of Frescobol Carioca, OAS and Onia.
The all-white swim shorts. You’re no stranger to a yacht, you leave your shirt unbuttoned a bit too low, and you have a double-barrelled surname.
There are oil paintings of dead relatives you never knew decorating the walls of your 15-room childhood home, and it doesn’t matter if you spill the red wine, because the cost of a new pair of Vilebrequins is mere chump change in the grand scheme of things.
Buy now at David Gandy Wellwear
Big Logo
Conversely, you have never been anywhere near a yacht, but you want everyone around you to think you have.
Subtle And Understated
You like to keep things low-key and blend into the background. You’re a firm believer in the merits of having a ‘capsule wardrobe’, and like to post aesthetic photographs of cups of coffee next to copies of Kinfolk magazine from your Instagram account.
Brands of choice are ASKET, Orlebar Brown and Sunspel.
Short And Sporty
You did not skip leg day to cover your quads come vacation time. You’re a fitness fanatic (a slightly vain one at that) who wants to tan as far up his thighs as is feasible without getting arrested for indecent exposure.
In your opinion, a 5-inch inseam is practically trouser territory.
